Matt and I are very keen on getting information. We always want to know. We want things to be laid out in front of us and to have an onslaught of as much knowledge as we possibly can. We want probabilities, guesses, statistics, possibilities, data, websites, the whole enchilada if you will and we like for it to be all at once. When we were trying to decide what to do about me working last year we wanted to know. We wanted to look into the future and see the book written for us with clear direction on which way to go. It doesn't work that way though. We finally had to make a plunge and decide for me to stay at home and we know now that was absolutely the right decision. So even though we knew that you cannot always see what may be in store for you, we still went through a lot of Johnny's pregnancy and months after he was born praying for answers from doctor appointments and wanting to know. I think this is natural, that situations feel less scary if we have knowledge to go with it. And we are thankful that we had the ultimate answer and prenatal diagnosis given to us so we could deal with things in our time frame as we always said we wanted. This is one reason we had to wait a tad longer for our amniocentesis results, we wanted the full microarray done which takes longer than preliminary work that just tests for T13, T18, and T21. But there were so many doctor visits where we were given the old "wait and see". Again and again we prayed for answers, for clear direction, to know what was going on. We sent out prayer requests to our church group and posted on Facebook that we needed and yearned for answers. For weeks on end we would ask for knowledge and for many of those weeks we were denied clear and definitive answers. We thought that would end with Johnny's arrival, but it continued and still does today. I look back on it now, how I would sit and listen to friends praying for us, "Give them knowledge." And I think, if God smiles, He smiled at those moments. That He sent peace and strength, but also thought to Himself, "They still have progress that needs to be made."
Last weekend I was spending time with the ladies in our small group and as we went through our needs and struggles I commented that we had a lot of appointments for Johnny that week. I was taking him to see genetics, audiology, and he had a well check. When they asked me what my prayers were for these appointments, I laughed because I had thought about it a lot. I told them that a year ago, six months ago, I would have asked for clear results and answers, but God had worked so much on my heart that while I would like answers, I don't need them. I asked them to pray for clear traffic, ease in finding the office, and that Johnny was well behaved. We all laughed, but I really think it has become a true turning point for me. For over a year I have been telling God that I was submitting myself to Him, that I was ready for His work to be done, but that wasn't completely true. I wanted to be equal partners with God, I wanted to be on His level and to know where I was going within His plan. But that isn't my right. It has been important for me to learn that not only do I need to tell Him I am willing, but I also need to completely give this over to Him. Again, I think this is normal for humans to do, we always want to know more, but my desire to know where the journey was headed was becoming a hindrance.
In a quite amusing way, the appointment on Monday went really well, we had perfect traffic, it was super easy to get into Texas Children's, and Johnny was a dream baby. Additionally, we got some really good, clear information! How ironic that when I took a step back, I actually got what I wanted. When I realized that I was going to survive without that information, that it wasn't what I needed to raise my son, that it was given to me as a little bonus. And to further reaffirm His point, that His timing is beyond my own, the audiology appointment went well, but we have to see another doctor to figure out some fluid issues Johnny has. Sometimes I will get clear information and sometimes I won't. I suppose a better prayer from here on out may be more along the lines of asking to be given the knowledge that He thinks I need at that time, that the information be presented clearly, and that I am strengthened and supported through any times of uncertainty. And in the meantime, I should continue to praise Him for all the great things He has given us and the way He guides our lives. We are truly blessed.