Friday, September 14, 2012

Listening to the Rain with Mac


     The day we were discharged from the hospital it took longer than expected for paperwork and other procedures. Mommy and Daddy didn't mind because it was quiet, dark with rain, and we could relax for a few hours without any visitors (whom we loved, but wanted those few hours with you too). Daddy was very concerned about yours and Mommy's safety so as the hours went by, he decided to go back home and trade out Mommy's Jetta for his big, 4x4, able to handle anything, and super manly truck. Mommy felt special that he cared so much about his girls that it was important to him to make that extra effort. Plus we had so many gifts and other items from the hospital that it was good he made a quick trip home. As I was waiting patiently for that time to come that you would go home with us forever, I sat and rocked you in the dim light of the room and listened to the rain. I told you how special it was that it was raining on this day because I love the rain and I loved sharing that with you. I held you close to me, wrapping my arms around your tiny body, and took it all in. I smelled your hair, kissed your lips, stroked your cheek, and marveled at how magnificent you were and how very, very lucky you made me feel. I squeezed you just a little and hoped you could hear the beating of my heart and hoped that you knew those beats (and the extra ones when I thought of you) were all yours. I hummed a little tune for you and told you I hoped we had many, many special days in the rain ahead of us. I could have sat there, ecstatically in bliss, for days. You had, just a few short days before, given me one of the greatest roles I could have ever imagined. Watching those steady rain drops hit the window was as calming as feeling your little chest rise and fall against mine. Listening to the soft pitter patter of the rain was as marvelous as hearing your little sighs of contentment. And if I was really patient then you would move your hand against mine or softly graze your fingers across my chest and I could imagine you reciprocating my outpouring of love.

    Fast forward to yesterday...we had a steady rain all afternoon and Mommy's love for rain hasn't disappeared, just as my love for you will never fade and will only grow. While you and your sister napped upstairs, I rose one of the curtains to watch it fall and it took on it's usual hypnotizing role. Once you woke up from your nap, we came downstairs and I sat on the floor expecting our usual time of playing blocks, animals, and other games you enjoy. After a few short moments of playing, you stopped, looked at me and said "I want to sit in Mama's lap". I happily obliged and welcomed you collapsing into a half sit, half hug into my arms. We both looked to the window and I commented on the rain to you. You agreed that the rain was nice and that we liked to watch the rain. I took in every detail that I could, just as I had almost three years ago. I marveled at your long lean legs and thin, willowy arms. I stroked your fine, blond hair and smelled the night time baby shampoo sweetness that lingered. I traced my finger along the back of your neck, grinning as you squirmed and laughed and my touch and smiling as you snuggled in closer once I stopped. I kissed your cheeks and gladly accepted your kisses in turn, trying not to let the tears spill over when you lifted your face to mine to receive those kisses. I pulled you in closer and you settled in comfortably, once again stroking your fingers across my neck and chest. I thought to myself how lucky I was to be able to have a moment like this again and I wondered if you and I will remember some of the same special times together. As our breathing slowed to match one another, I stopped and thanked God...a simple praise..."Thank you God, for this". 

   Baby girl, you have changed so much and so little in the past three years. You are magnificent and I treasure you and adore you and love that I remember so many good moments and times with you as your Mommy. I assure you, it is an honor. I love you always, more than you know.