There. I admitted it.
It wasn't something I wanted to do, but it was something I very much needed. Our miscarriage left me desperate for change, change mentally, change physically, and change in my overall attitude. I literally told myself, "If you aren't pregnant you may as well become a runner."
I am not sure how that logic works, but it did. I fought the logistics for awhile. I told myself it couldn't be done because kids and heat and effort. At the end of each day though, no matter how much I walked or what little exercises I did around the house, it wasn't enough. I have been carrying doubt and what I termed as leftover Johnny weight, but, honestly, some of that weight was gained after he was delivered. At least 15 pounds, if not more.
Thus, I began. I went slowly and cautiously. I took my walks with a double stroller and added in intervals of jogging. I added in longer jogging stretches. I began waking up early to jog/lumber/run by myself. I listened to my body for distance each day rather than what my preconceptions thought was a good run. I began running longer stretches and actually began to crave it. I added in weights and missed running on the days I didn't do it. I found a few videos (check out YouTube's The Fit Law) that totally met my workout needs on days it was too rainy or Matt wasn't here in the mornings. I stretched longer and longer runs. I didn't talk about it online because I was afraid I would give it up. It was easier to slide it casually into conversation in person than have accountability in "print".
I saw change. Change in my body. Change in my skin. Change in my sleeping habits. Change in my overall health. Change in my motivation. Change in my ability to process. All for the better. It's, for the most part, me and the pavement and whatever issues or concerns or prayers I want to bring along.
It's not easy. It took awhile to be consistent and to work up to longer runs. It took a lot of effort, but every grudge filled step was worth it. Most of my runs are between 2.5&3.5 miles. I set a goal for myself at New Years to run 5 miles in a single run before the end of January. I attempted it today and told myself each step of the way that I was in control. That this goal meant nothing to anyone else but myself. That this was all for me and nobody else had any say in what I did or how far I took it. I got motivated at the end and ran 5.85.
Then I felt like I was going to throw up and asked Matt to check and make sure I still had legs and a skull.
I am blessed to have a husband that cares enough for my health that he encourages me to get out for my workouts. It is helpful to have his support. While I would like to work up to pushing a stroller for a 5k, I wouldn't have gotten this far physically and emotionally without the time to myself. I don't feel guilty for making this time. Usually it's before the kids get up and even when it isn't, it teaches them an important lesson that Mommy's health is important too. It makes me a better mom, not just because I have had that quiet time for myself, but also because I have more energy and I'm more likely to do activities with them. We have also been getting out more as a family. Some evenings involve long walks and races and enjoying time together. All for the better again!
I have new goals, none of which involve paying for a race or running anything that ends in "-athon". I still have work to do in the weight department, but I like the progress I've made and that it is with changes I can manage. I'm not punishing myself by forbidding foods that I love. Life still needs to be lived! I get to go shopping...in my old wardrobe that hasn't seen the light of day for four years!
It's a big milestone, or five of them, but I'm looking forward to seeing where the health benefits go from here.