Phoning It In

This isn't so much a resolution post as a "I need to work on this post". 

I have been making exuses for a year now about working out. And while I grapple with the term "losing weight", the fact of the matter is, I need to work out. 

Because I want to be comfortable and confident with myself and because I want to assure myself and other women that it is ok for it to take more than a couple months to lose baby weight, I say that the extra pounds I carry don't matter. And truth be told, I AM ok with it taking more time to lose the pounds. But I'm not ok with how I feel, my lack of energy, and the strength I feel myself losing each day. 

I gave myself a pass when pumping and I feel comfortable in that decision. Every time I would make the steps to workout, even a light workout, my milk supply would suffer for it. I felt supremely justifiable in carrying the extra weight in order to provide the best source of nutrition for Johnny that I could. Then I stopped pumping and more excuses and delays came forth. The biggest excuse was that I convinced myself that a huge change in working out or weight loss could adversely effect my fertility. And it could. We would very much like a fourth and have wanted one for some time. I told myself to wait on the "getting into shape" until I knew what was happening with my body and then it wouldn't really matter anyways because of weight fluctuations in pregnancy. Well, lo and behold, carrying this extra weight and not working out hasn't necessarily had a positive impact on fertility either. 

We'd still like a fourth, but in the mean time, I need to take better care of myself. I deserve it and my kids (the three I have and the theoretical, non existent #4) deserve it too. I have worked on what "getting into shape" means for me. I want to regain strength, build stamina, and work on feeling better in my clothes. That probably means losing weight, which will be fantastic, but it's not my driving force. I want to work on eating healthier and cutting back on treats and working on better portions, but I'll tell you, I'm not interested in a hard core diet. I want to set a better routine for being active and to spend more time with my kids being deliberately active instead of secondarily so (a purposeful walk or game in the yard vs. walking the mall because that's the only way to see all the shops). 

I did Day 1 of the dreaded 30 Day Shred today. I loved it. Despite my inability to fully do some of the exercises, it just felt good. And in my weakness, I felt strong. Maybe it was the extra oxygen, maybe the blood flow, maybe the high of the 22 minute workout being over, but I immediately felt "it" return to me. My girls did their own version of the workout next to me, Mac was gangly and angular, with knees and elbows jabbing everywhere and Keegan hammed it up, repeating much of what Jillian said on the video, thank goodness she didn't hear a couple of the words! I want to be a good example of fitness to them. I want to show them how to build physical strength and to work with your body to feel good. We talked about exercising making you strong and making you feel good. To them, I'm one of the strongest people they know and I want to live up to that. 

I may get discouraged, but some is better than none. I may get that elusive fourth baby and have to rework my exercise regiment, but working out in pregnancy has always been a source of pride for me, I have been very consistent throughout the three. I want to challenge myself to work hard, but I need to remember an Internet meme I saw the other day, "Even at your slowest, you are lapping the people still on the couch." 

Because I refuse to make this into a resolution, I focus on tomorrow only. My goals- Day 2 of the shred and trying not to cry as I walk down the stairs. That workout is tough!