Submission

The cycles and months move on and still we wait for any sign of a fourth child to be added to our family. It's kind of hard to talk about, not because I mind emotionally charged conversations, but because it is hard to explain how we feel. 

Plain and simple, our heart's desire is to have a fourth. That being said, we also place our trust in God's plan for us. We know and rest in His journey. I, personally, have had a hard time reconciling these two things until a few months ago, which I briefly posted about. I wondered how I could trust God's plan and have my own desires at the same time. I was graciously reminded of Jesus and His sacrifice on the cross. While Jesus willingly went to the cross, taking on our sin, He did appeal to His Father to lift that burden off of Him. Jesus asked for their to be another way and He even cried out to God, asking why He had been forsaken. 

I have found such comfort in my despair because of this reminder. If Jesus can ask for deliverance in the greatest act that ever took place, but still yielded to God's will, then surely I can appeal for my desires, while still honoring God. I think I felt disrespectful before, like I wasn't being submissive enough if I was asking for what I wanted which seems to be out of alignment with God's story for our family so far. 

I still struggled with this, trying to be proudly stoic about our refuge in God while we try to figure out His plan for our fertility as if I was perfectly balanced towards accepting our three blessings or welcoming another. However, as I approach some potential answers in the coming weeks, it became clear to me that I still cling to the idea of a fourth for our family as emotions took over when my words said otherwise. As I cried at the thought of our family expansion being over, I have been reminded of how much I would love another, even though I am so happy with my three. I think it is an odd and awkward place in fertility struggles, already having a family and wondering why a pregnancy hasn't occurred again. In a way, I am grateful for my true emotions to come forward, for my passion for another child to present itself, because I was starting to wonder if God was changing my heart in an attempt to prepare me for this chapter to come to a close. While He may still choose to write an ending to that chapter, I feel better knowing that my heart is still in it. 

I don't have a lot of information about the scientific and health reasons for our lack of success at the moment and I am not sure how much we will share on that front, but I am glad that I am working with my doctor to see if we can figure something out. We have also been appreciative of prayers and support from so many people in our lives, for general and specific things thus far. 

We feel honored to have been trusted with three wonderful children so far, clearly examples of God's handiwork. We hope that there remains another for us.