I know I posted about a week ago regarding "releasing" July 5th back to a normal day for us. I wrote about committing to letting go of Johnny's diagnosis and focusing on who he is and what he needs today. I was steadfast in my desire to move on to the present and where we needed to get to with him.
I was able to stay out of that mentality for a week and a day.
It isn't really my fault, I was socked into my diagnosis mentality at church this morning. One of the songs that I clung to as I awaited for news about Johnny and until we met him was Hillsong United's Awakening.
It stirred much in me as I anticipated our child. I felt awakened to a new world that I never even knew existed. That world has a vocabulary, acronyms, timelines, and goals that I knew nothing of before. I felt awakened to a ferocious protectiveness that even I never knew excited inside me for my unborn child. I felt awakened to a new level of gratitude for the relative safety and healthiness of my older two and for the baby that grew inside of me. We thought we could lose him, we were grateful that, although not who we expected, he lived. I felt awakened to an adjusted sense of reality, my expectations were cast aside, and the actual needs of my children placed in the forefront of my mind at all times.
I felt awakened most to wanting to know my purpose in raising a child with special needs. No longer did I ask "why us?" I wanted to know "for what purpose us?"
As the song says "let your will be done in me".
It was hard. I cried mouthing the lyrics to this song, unable to pray anything except for "please let my baby be ok" and lyrics to songs from church. I didn't know what or how to pray for my baby, my family, or myself, so I had to rely on the words of others to speak on my behalf. I felt darkness and so desperately wanted to move past that to the light and bliss in my pregnancy and expecting my child. How appropriate that the lyrics of this song speak of the "rising sun that shines, from the darkness comes a light, I hear your voice say this is my awakening." I was so fearful of the numbness that I often felt, I was worried that my numbness would carry over into the love and raising of my child that needed and deserved so much more than I felt like I could offer. I played this song over and over again, pleading for my heart to be stirred and for soul to be awoke to provide what I could for my baby.
Johnny was my sun that shined in that dark time. With his first breath and calm cry as he was born, I was changed, even more so than going through all of the issues during pregnancy. In that moment, all darkness and fear passed and all there was, was my son, my sun, and my awakening. Pregnancy, labor and delivery, and child rearing can be spiritual in and altering in itself, but that moment, where I had prayed for this awakening and received it, was powerful and perfect. Meeting my son changed me in a way that I cannot explain, but I praise God for allowing me to have that. In that perfect moment, when he was introduced to me, I knew that I could be the mom he needed. I knew that I would have to rely on God and sometimes others for support, but I could and would care for him and provide for him however he needed. And I knew that my fierce protectiveness had been solidified in me along with absolute adoration and love.
Today our praise team sang this song that meant so much to me during my pregnancy. It took me back to the despair of the bad days and the hope and joy of Johnny's birthday. As tears sprang to my eyes, I gave thanks for the wonderful time we have had raising Johnny so far and how much we have learned together. I gave thanks for the reminder of where we were and the motivation for continuing on. I smiled in regards to remembering how meaningful his birthday was for us, a birth of sorts for me as well, preparing to not just be a new mother again, but to be his mother.
I also wondered what God's will is for us now, how we can continue to serve HIm, and how our family will be utilized in His plan...