Faith

A friend recently spoke to me about how much she admired my positivity and faith in regards to the "we've been trying for a year" issue. I told her that, while I wasn't sure if I was always as positive as I could be, I felt fairly certain of having faith. I felt faith in God, in His plan, and that He knows best. I assured her that I learned that lesson with Johnny's pregnancy, one that I distinctly remember handing over to God before even knowing I was pregnant, handing a child I was certain I was carrying yet over to Him, and exclaiming, "If I am with child, he or she is yours. I am yours. Do with us, Your will." 

It is amazing how He answered us. 

My faith was tested weekly, it seemed like. While I was scared many, many times, I never faltered in my faith and trust that God had some purpose for us. Through the initial testing, I knew this was an important task for us to work through. Before our official diagnosis, when we were concerned we might lose our child, we considered the name Faith for a child we may not meet. Through our amniocentesis, a controversial decision, I felt like God would protect my child, that He needed us to add that to our story as well. Through all of our "wait and see" doctor appointments, I had faith that, while our child may not be the healthiest, His hand was on our baby and was on our hearts as well, protecting us and guiding us. 

I learned a lot about faith through Johnny's pregnancy.

So I felt like I had learned enough about faith. 

However today I listened to the song "Oceans (Where Feet May Fall)" and realized there still may be something for me to learn. 

One of the lines sings "Spirit lead me to where my faith is without borders..." And that struck me today. I've been telling myself that I am ok with whatever happens with a future pregnancy or nursing school or none of the above. I've been telling myself that I am ok with whatever God has planned for me. I have been yielding and readying myself to bend to His will. But within that, I have been placing borders on Him and on my faith. I have been trusting that His plans fit somewhere in my "I'm ok with ___" spectrum instead of trusting that He has plans for me that may answer all of those great things or none of those things or some of those things. I have been placing God in a box of "my life should go one of two or three ways" instead of just being ready and waiting for what He wants for me. 

I'm trying to ready for something else than I imagine. Or something the same as what I imagine. Or a thousand other possibilities. I have faith that His plan is better than mine.